Mindless random bleeping

And an apple.

Why?

No idea... or maybe, given the circumstances, I should say no bleeping idea.





And what circumstances would those be, Dee?

You were asking, I hope.

The circumstances would be that I've decided I haven't the foggiest idea what's going on with censorship in American television. Not Canadian television, no. I have a pretty good handle on Canadian television. American television censorship, though, is so mindbogglingly random that I think I'm going to have to give up trying to think of reasons for it.

Let's take Craig Ferguson's Late Late Show as an example, since that's what's got me scratching my head lately. Er... I was going to link to him, but then I remembered that he's already living right over -----> there on the sidebar. I'm sure you can find him. Anyway. First, let's consider the fact that the show is a late night program. 12:30 am in most markets, I think (1:30 am here, but that's why Whomever invented DVRs after all). One would think that if you're old enough to be watching television at 12:30 am that you might also be capable of listening to the occasional colourful word without being shocked completely out of your bathrobe.

Yes, I know that last phrase made no sense. Let's carry on, shall we?

Now, I watch enough American television to know that they (the American censors, I mean) are a fair bit more uptight about swearing and such than we are here, but seriously. A late night show. Can't things relax enough on a late night show that you're not bleeping the word TITS, people?

Tits. Really. They bleep the word tits.

I shouldn't be terribly surprised, though. These are the same people that started pixellating Ferguson's thumb when he does that silly spider thing with his hand because somebody out there might actually start thinking of his thumb as a spider's penis.

For those of you who haven't seen it, I promise I'm not making this up. And we won't even talk about the fact that spiders don't even have penises, ok?

It's all just so weird and pointless. I know some people blame it on nervousness after CBS was fined for the whole nipple affair (who knew Janet Jackson had nipples? Shock!), but it's so very arbitrary -- and not just with CBS. Hey folks, let's all bleep god because using that word will offend a few Christians. Maybe we'll let ass squeak through but... oh no. Vice President Cheney just called someone an asshole. We can't be allowing asshole. But we've already allowed ass? No problem. We'll just bleep the hole instead. That's the part that makes it dirty.

I still shake my head whenever I see someone refer to an assbleep.

The thing that gets me (besides the complete and utter silliness of it all) is that if they'd spend less time worrying about bleeping every little thing that might offend people, those things would probably just slip by without even being noticed at all. Do you think I would have remembered that so-and-so used a naughty word on Letterman if the word hadn't mysteriously gone missing from the soundtrack sometime in post-editing?

All that kind of paranoia does is make the five-year-old in us (ok, maybe just in me) want to rewind and try to read lips.

I suppose it's more noticeable to those of us in the Great White North because we get the first-hand comparison between programming that originates in the States and programming that originates here. Things are much, much looser here Canada (believe it or not), and it just makes the random bleeping from the south seem even more pointless.

It bugs me too. It implies that people don't have the brains to decide for themselves what they can and can't tolerate listening to. It's all part and parcel with the babysitting mindset that many of us seem to have nowadays. We need our governments to protect us (and our children, naturally) from every stupid little thing that might offend our virgin ears and eyes.

God help us if we protected ourselves. You remember how to do that, right? It's called turning the channel. And as far as your kids go, just try paying more attention to what they're watching. If you don't like it... turn the channel.

Bleeping idiots.

I could go on (and on and on), but my two fans already know some of my language philosophy and for those of you who don't, don't worry. It's sure to come up again.

You're welcome to turn the channel before then, though.