Too tired to post

And apparently the photo thingy's too tired to accept pointlessness. I'll try again in a minute.

Is it redundant to say I'm tired? I am, after all, the Department of Redundancy Department around here. Just ask anyone. Everything I do has built-in redundancy because I don't want program files to be lost amongst the many hands that have to handle them. I think that's a good thing, but sometimes I think it's just magnifying my own innate personality dysfunction.

OLF, remember.

Anyway. Today we're going to talk about hiding under a rock. Or on a rock, I suppose, since that's what the spider in the belated pointless photo is doing.

I'd like to hide under a rock, I think.

I'm in the uncomfortable position of being noticed today. I hate being noticed. It's weird, I know, considering the job I'm in, but I would be perfectly happy merrily trundling through my work life ANONYMOUSLY. I mean, yes... I try to do my job decently and I'll even go so far as to admit that there are parts of it that I do well, but I really hate getting any above-and-beyond recognition for what I do.

And what was the notice that's bothering my wee brain today?

Well, I'm being requested. Specifically requested. By more than one teacher.

I hate that.

I hate that because we try to organise things here so that programs can be done by most interpreters interchangeably. In an ideal world, that's how things should be working. We hire good people, we give them specific program objectives, and we let them do their stuff.

Now, obviously different people have different strengths and different levels of comfort with any given subject matter. We're human. That's how it goes. I would like us as a group, however, to be seen as uniformly competent whenever possible. It shouldn't matter what interpreter a class gets -- they should know that they're going to have a good experience.

This is the part where I should type some rah-rah something about us being a team. Just imagine that I did that already, ok? I'm not in the mood.

At any rate, when I'm singled out for some reason (no matter if it's in a nice way)...

urgh...

It doesn't feel right.

It should be a nice little ego boost, I suppose, but it just makes me completely uncomfortable. First, uncomfortable that anyone here is being thought of as better than the next person, but there's more to it than that. There's the added expectation. There's the possibility of being a disappointment.

And there's the bit where I'd like to be hiding under a rock.

One of the reasons I enjoyed performing (back in the ooooold days) is that I could satisfy my inner ham without actually having to be noticed for me. Sounds weird, but I think it's more common than you might realise. If you're on stage you can give credit for any extraordinary results to the writers, directors, composers... heck, to the lighting director for making you look good. It's not just the responsibility of one person.

It never is.

I guess what it comes down to is that I'm not particularly special and any suggestion that I might be doesn't feel right. Even something as simple as being requested by a teacher.

More than one teacher.

gah






Doesn't anyone out there have a rock I can borrow?
And how the hell did someone like me get here, exactly?







Some days I just really don't have a clue.